9 Things I Always Carry On My Motorbike

Even before I moved to Vietnam, and did pretty much zero research about what life would be like here, I knew that Saigon was all about motorbikes. And it is. I don't know how people live here without having their own bike. I know a handful of bikeless folks, and I can only imagine how frustrating their lives must be. Sure, there's apps like Grab or Ubermoto, and xe om drivers peppering the streets yelling "motorbike! motorbike!" BUT it is so unreliable. The drivers constantly get lost or just don't show up at all. Some days I have to work jobs in 3 different districts, getting rid of my bike is not an option.

It is super economical to buy a bike (you can find one for under $200 US easily) but I have decided to rent one from TIGIT in District 4 for $50 a month. There are a few upsides to renting. First, I have a 2016 Honda Wave. This is a pretty new bike, and it wouldn't have been one of these "under $200" bikes. Second, I know the bike's history. It has been with Tigit for its entire life, and they've taken great care of it. I have to take the bike in to the shop every month of the rental, and they check the brakes, the oil, and take it for a test drive to make sure everything is in working order. Compare that to a bike passed down from backpacker to backpacker: the thing is likely held together by tin foil and chewing gum from going to shady mechanics. Third, if there is a problem with the bike, it is not my problem, it's Tigit's. And they will come deal with it any time, all I have to do is call them. I have never once dealt with a breakdown or a single problem with my bike. It's worth paying a little more for me to have the peace of mind.

This is my list of "must-haves" when I ride my bike around Ho Chi Minh: 

1. Helmet. Not even for safety first. Mostly you just need something to cover your head. It can be a shit helmet (in fact, I would suggest having at least one shit helmet on your bike, because nice helmets get stolen). Don't give the police any reason to pull you over, or else you might need your --

2. 200,000 VND. While it's ALWAYS a good idea to have cash on you in case you need to buy gas, or your tire pops, I have specifically said 200,000 VND for a reason. This is the going rate for bribing  a police officer should you be pulled over for "driving while foreign." Make no mistake, it's not for no reason that we are targeted-- the majority of foreigners are driving illegally because they/we do not have Vietnamese driving licenses. Vietnam does not accept the international driving license, nor do they accept foreign licenses. It's not that difficult to get a Vietnamese driver's license, but if you do not speak Vietnamese, you might need to hire an agent, and your license is tied to your visa's expiration date. As such, it may need to be renewed very often (especially if you are one of the gazillion foreigners who are here working without a permit and are doing the visa run thing every 3 months). I am thankful for the police corruption, however, because they are well within their rights to confiscate unlicensed riders' bikes (and that costs several million VND to fix, and you also run the risk that your bike's genuine parts will be switched out for cheap Chinese parts when you do finally get it back). Keep this money away from your other money so the police won't see a big wad of cash and get any ideas!

Also, it's a good idea to have a few small bills (under 10,000). These are for parking!

3. Poncho. This lives on a clip on the front of my bike year-round. These aren't the little sissy ponchos that I wore to Niagara Falls or buy at 5 Below in the States. These are giant heavy ponchos, with a big clear piece of plastic in the front so it can be draped over the front of a motorbike and allow the headlight to shine through.

4. Flip Flops. For the same reason as the poncho. Sometimes you are driving through 6 inches or more of water (especially in Districts 2 and 7 during the rain) and sometimes you HAVE to put your feet down in it. Better to be wearing flip flops than the shoes you need to wear at work. Boots might be better, but boots are heavy and wouldn't fit under my seat.

5. Water. If you buy a big bottle of water at a Circle K or Family Mart here, they put a nice plastic handle around the top so you can hang it from the little clips on the front of your motorbike. I've had to train myself to drink water on purpose here-- I am constantly outside or moving around. Especially on days where I teach public schools, there is no air conditioning while I am chasing children around, and then I am riding around in the sun on my bike. It takes effort to keep yourself hydrated!

6. Face Mask. I made fun of people for wearing these at first. If I forget my face mask these days, I have to stop to buy a new one. Saigon is famous for its crazy traffic, and with that comes exhaust fumes. I find my mask gives me the illusion of being a bit healthier, but more than that, it simply blocks the sun. I started getting gnarly sun damage on my lips, and I'm starting to get wrinkles from the exposure. It's easier to just wear a mask than sunscreen.

7. Smart Phone and Headphones. I wear a dorktastic fanny pack whenever I drive and I stuff my phone in it. It is a good idea not to have your phone out in the open even to look at a map-- thieves with quick reflexes have been known to snatch phones. Instead, I have google maps open with turn-by-turn directions playing into my headphones whenever I am going somewhere new. It works well, but not perfectly. Sometimes I get sent on wild goose chases, but for the most part it works out when I apply a bit of common sense. Most of the time, I do know where I'm going, and the headphones are just for music. It is impossible to ride a motorbike around Saigon bumping tunes and not feel like you are in a music video.  

8. Long sleeves/long pants. Truly, it is hot as BALLS here pretty much all the time, but it is a good idea to cover up to avoid severe sunburn. I generally do this for all daytime trips of more than 15 minutes.  

9. Blue Card (Motorbike Registration Certificate). This is a card that makes the bike "legal." It has the bike's license plate number on it and a whole bunch of shit in Vietnamese that I don't understand. You don't have to actually have it with you (I don't, my rental company has it), but you should at least have a picture of it on your phone. It's good for when you accidentally lose your parking ticket and the attendants are hesitant to give you back your bike.

I'm Not Dead, Just Hibernating

I started off this blog planning on writing in it once a week. At first, this seemed doable. I was experiencing lots of new things all the time, I still had the comparison of living in the United States fresh in my mind and I had a TON of time.

Now, writing about life here seems a little boring. For instance, if back in Philly, I wrote about going to work as a paralegal all day and then a hostess at a bar at night and then dressing up like a weirdo and going to monthlies at the Trilogy and whatever club on whatever night... It just wouldn't be interesting. That's kind of how I feel now. Life is just... life?

In my time away, a few things have happened. 

1. I finished up my work contract at the public school in District 4. I would LOVE to write some stories about this but my boss is friends with me on Facebook :) (My contract ended not a day too soon. It was making me very mean. The last week I was banging big pieces of wood on the desks to make the kids shut up, something I swore I would never do!)

2. I started teaching adult learners at my language center! So nice to teach people who don't want to chew on my elbows or wipe snot on my dress.

3. I booked a trip to the United States on July 23rd. I will be in New York and Philadelphia area for around 3 weeks, and then I am going to Oregon! I am treating the trip like a vacation and I'm going to be a tourist. It is going to be so much fun.

4. I have become obsessed with my dream of infecting Vietnam with hoop-fever. This is the real reason, probably, that I haven't been writing. I have created a hoop Instagram and have been working embarrassingly hard on making it grow. I bought 10 hoops from the USA to start teaching my hoop class, Waist Time on my roof. I have had so much interest that I have ordered about 50 pounds of tubing from a supplier so I can begin making and selling hoops.

5. I had clothing custom-made for me for the first time. Feels good man.

Proficiency Tests

As I mentioned in my last post, I started a new job. One of my new classes is teaching "Business English." I drive to a company in District 7 once a week to teach a 2 hour class.

I've been in kid-land for most of my time at VUS. I've covered an adult class or two, but I've never had one of my own. Even in those classes, most of the learners were under the age of 20, so I played games, spritzed them with water, and "punished" them by drawing on their hands just like I do with my children's classes.

Besides the fact that I can't draw on 40 something year olds, the motivation for my adult class is entirely different. For comparison, my children's classes aim to create English speakers. I get my students speak as much English as possible. To that end, I'm not focusing on grammar or writing too much. I'm focused on students understanding what I say and making sure their pronunciation and vocabulary is passable enough that I can understand what they are saying.

Well, for my new adult class, I am not teaching them how to speak English. I am teaching them how to pass an English proficiency test. This, unfortunately, seems to be very common in Vietnam, so I'd better get used to this.

Tests are super important in the English teaching industry. There's tons, all with varying degrees of legitimacy that are taken for different reasons. Here's some examples of some big ones:

1. IELTS (International English Language Testing System) This is by far the most intense and common test that Vietnamese learners prepare for. The IELTS is used to determine eligibility for immigration to some countries, and admission to English-speaking universities. The grades for results are on a "scale" from 1 (novice) to 9 (expert). It has a speaking, writing, listening, and reading part.

2. TOEFL (Test of English as a Foreign Language) Another test, similar to the IELTS. It is less accepted than the IELTS, but can be used for university admissions and visa requirements in Australia and the UK. The test score is out of 120 points, with 4 equal parts making up the score: reading, listening, speaking, writing.

3. CPE (Cambridge English: Proficiency) This test is not graded out of points or scale, but is instead pass/fail (or "proficient/not proficient" because it was made by a bunch of Brits). Passing this test and having a CPE score of proficient on your resume, supposedly proves that you are ready to work and study in an all-English speaking environment. This test is accepted by several companies and universities in the UK.

4. TOEIC (Test of English for International Certification) The TOEIC is a little weird in that it is marketed to businesses for pre-employment testing rather than potential test-takers. There are two TOEIC tests: the listening and reading test and the speaking and writing test. I am not certain about this, but most of the business testimonials on the TOEIC website are from Vietnamese, Korean, and Japanese companies, so I am going to guess that this test is much more widespread in Asia than elsewhere. The score is done on a points system.

My new business class is preparing for the TOEIC Reading and Listening exam which drastically changes the kinds of skills we work on in class! More on this next week.

Public Schools

I'm not living like a retired 20 something these days.

After Tet and my vacation to Thailand, my work hours never returned to where they should be. I was getting very nervous. My job repeatedly assured me that hours would pick up, but I can't pay my rent with promises. Luckily, Vietnam might be the easiest place in the world to pick up an additional teaching job, providing that you have a CELTA and a bachelor's.

I started working during the day for an education company that staffs public schools and business English classes. I teach at a public primary school Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday and I travel to a company to teach business English for two hours on Friday. I also work as a substitute teacher for public schools all over the city. (I'll talk about the business class later!)

Teaching at a Vietnamese public school is very different from teaching at a language center. Here's a few examples: 

1. Class size. At a language center, I do not have more than 25 teenagers in a class and no more than 18 primary school aged children. At a public school, there may be 30 to 50 students in a classroom and the classroom is guaranteed to be much, much smaller.

2. Resources. Language centers generally have a computer in each classroom with a projector and a white board. The book as an "iPack" (digital component) on the computer that provides teachers with lots of additional activities. Public schools are very bare bones: there's a blackboard, some chalk, maybe some flashcards, and the course book. There is not even a CD player, which makes things difficult for lessons where the only activity assigned for the entire class is to sing a song from the book.

3. Comfort. Students at the language center each have their own desk. They have plenty of space to put their backpack down. The rooms are air conditioned. The public schools stuff kids into desk rows and it is SUPER hot with no air conditioning and 40 people in a small space.

4. Time. My language center classes range from 2 to 3 hours, whereas public schools have 40 minute class times. And honestly, thank god. I would go insane teaching one public school class for 3 hours.

5. Curriculum Structure. The language center classes are designed so that any teacher can look at the syllabus and teach the right lesson for that class on that day. There are page numbers and specific assignments. For the public school, teachers choose when they teach different parts of the book. There is a syllabus with page numbers, but it seems to be more like a suggested guideline than an actual hard schedule.


All of these differences amount to a hell of a learning curve for me, brand new to teaching public schools. My first day was a substitution at a primary school in District 1. I found my way to the school, and none of the staff spoke English. The kids mobbed me the second I walked into the school yard asking "what's your name!" and mugging me for high-fives. They have a few breaks throughout the day and they run around screeching. (You can hear a school from half a mile away) They were very eager to speak to me in English and a nice 8 year old took me to my class and told me where the teachers' lounge was.

My company was unable to provide me with a book for any of the classes I was supposed to teach, but they were able to provide me with color copies of the pages that "the class was probably learning that week." Well, those pages were wrong. The classroom is so small that I cannot fall back on any of the games (time wasters) I use at the language center. My poor, patient TAs carried me through the class.

I taught my permanent classes a few days later. This time, I did have a book and flashcards, but still I was struggling. The public school kids were confused by games that my language center students understand instantly. I tried so hard and put out so much energy but in return I got confused stares. This hasn't happened since my second month of teaching. It felt like I was starting completely from scratch.

 I'm not discouraged, though. If I can become a good teacher in these conditions, I can be a good teacher anywhere.

The Whirlwind Tour of Saigon

Here are some places that I took Max while he was in Saigon. All said, we had about 10 days total in Saigon but a few days were jet lag recovery days for Max and travel recovery days for both of us. (And lots of snuggle time)

You'll notice a ton of these are restaurants. I must have gained 5 pounds while Max was here.

Old Places (Spots I'd Seen Before)

1. Ben Thanh Market. It's a giant squared-in market with all kinds of clothing, food, bags, trinkets, and fake cosmetics for sale. Prices are a bit higher here than other markets but a lot of the vendors accept dollars and credit cards AND speak English (catering to the tourist crowd). Max and I bought some knock-off North Face bags for next to nothing.

2. Tao Dan Park. I am in this park almost every day with my hula hoops. I brought Max here and saw it with fresh eyes. You are not allowed to walk in the grass, but there's lots of statues and gardens to look at it. I love the way Saigoneers use this space. There's fitness classes, dance troupes, and English lessons sprinkled through the park at all times. It's definitely not a peaceful place to hang out, though, since it is right by Nguyen Thi Minh Khai, one of the most nightmarishly busy streets in town.

A thing in Tao Dan Park

3. Bui Vien/Pham Ngu Lao (Backpacker Street) These streets have a bunch of hostels concentrated all in one place, as well as food, bars, and shops. The bars are popular among backpackers and expats alike because they stay open LATE while bars elsewhere in the city close whenever they damn well please. There's often children eating fire for tips, vendors walking around selling drugs out of cigarette cases, obvious prostitutes, and travelers from all over the world. As you might imagine, it is great for people-watching.

4. Le Van Tam Park. This is another great park in Ho Chi Minh, and another excellent example of a public gathering space. The middle of the park is a big, smooth concrete slab with a large statue. Around this is a network of tree-covered walkways, a cafe, and a workout space. There's always foot traffic through the park but it really comes alive at dusk. Large speakers are brought out to the concrete slab, and there are dance classes available in various styles, from hip-hop, modern, and waltz. Some renegade break-dancers also appear on the fringes. There's usually little children zipping around on light-up rollerblades and hoverboards.

5. Indika House of Curiosities. I have probably spent more time at this bar than any other in Saigon. It's indoor-outdoor and hidden down an alley in an area called Da Kao. The walls inside are all trippy and painted, and the outdoor area is great for large groups. They serve all kinds of drinks, alcoholic and not. We hold our "circus nights" here one Sunday a month, which is the night I brought Max. Lots of people played with my hula hoops and poi.

6. Nguyen Hue (Walking Street). This is a long stretch of concrete with NO BIKES ALLOWED in the middle of District 1. Like the parks, Nguyen Hue is most crowded at night. There's young people huddled in groups around the edges, and vendors selling LED and glow toys for kids. Max and I bought this LED sky-dancer sling shot thing that you shoot up into the air and it slowly glides down. Nguyen Hue is a must if you visit Ho Chi Minh. It's free to hang out there, but there are tons of cafes, bars, stores, and vendors. Happily, many of the decorations from Tet were still lit and assembled when Max visited, so the street was even more beautiful than normal.

7. The Reunification Palace (Or Independence Palace). This is an actual tourist attraction that we had to pay 40,000 VND to enter. It was the home of two South Vietnamese presidents and is considered the official site of the end of the Vietnam War. It's a pretty crazy building, especially in comparison to the city around it. Everything in it is so overwhelmingly 60's chic. There's a helipad on the roof and a bunker in the basement. The plaques at each room are informative and interesting. I was exhausted after the tour though, because it is a LOT of walking and a lot of stairs, plus Max and I fit this into a pretty busy day.

Taken from the balcony of the palace

8. 4 P's Pizza Probably one of the best restaurants in Ho Chi Minh City. This place is definitely not cheap by Saigon standards, but it is a very nice restaurant. A pizza that feeds one person costs about 200,000 VND ($9) but it is AMAZING. Max and I got a seat at the location near Ben Thanh Market without a reservation on a Sunday night. The service has a more western feel (server comes to check on you occasionally, they bring water, the server does not stand over you while you look at the menu, employees won't barge past you if you are walking around in the restaurant). They also have craft beers on tap and a good cocktail list. Even coming from New York, Max agreed the pizza was amazing.

Pizza #1, chorizo and sausage pizza. Pizza #2 not shown.

9. Propaganda This is an upscale-ish restaurant near the Reunification Palace that serves traditional Vietnamese food like spring rolls, pho, and rice. The inside is pretty cool looking and the food is good, if a bit expensive. Definitely check it out if you are in town, even if it is just to get a photo with the murals.

Max waiting for food at Propaganda.

10. Cuba la Casa Del Mojitos. Max wanted cocktails to change it up from drinking Saigon Specials (crappy beer) so we went and got the best mojitos in town. The happy hour is pretty amazing: buy one get one from 5 to 7. The mojitos only cost under 100,000 VND to begin with.

11. Quan Ut Ut. This place is a gut-buster and it is down the street from my house. It's an American Barbecue, and another pricier-than-average restaurant but it is so worth it. Max and I got a sampler which had tons of sausage, wings, ribs, pork belly, and okra with their sauce. It was our most expensive meal, clocking in at a whopping 1.2 million VND ($52!) but thats including 4 of the most expensive craft beers on the menu. I try to imagine what a restaurant would cost in NYC. There's 2 locations, and one is within walking distance of my apartment.

New Places (Well, new to me!) 

Me, Max, and passed out pug at Hachiko
(photo by Maxim Orlov)

1. Hachiko Cafe. Max found this cafe on Tripadvisor and we tried to research it on the Facebook page (which I have linked). Check out the reviews; their translations from Google Translate are pretty hilarious and confusing.

Anyway, Hachiko Cafe is a dog cafe with signs everywhere that says "Dogs Are Friends, Not Food." It's two floors with generally smaller dogs downstairs and big dogs upstairs. It smells pretty terrible in there and I am skeptical as to how ethical the place is. The dogs go to the bathroom right on the hardwood floor and they all seem really lazy and understimulated. I originally suspected that they were drugged from how disinterested a lot of them were, but after seeing them perk up and lavish one of the staff members with attention, I think they are simply tired of being touched by strangers. Also, once in a while, this trouble-making chowchow would go to the window and bark, which would set ALL of them off.

I had fun. A lazy fat pug fell asleep on me, and I got to pet a whole bunch of dogs. The drinks aren't even expensive.

One of the residents of Ba Bo Cafe (photo by Maxim Orlov)

2. Ba Bo Cafe. So as questionably ethical as Hachiko Cafe seemed, I definitely felt bad going to this place. Ba Bo is a "reptile cafe" hidden down an alley in Tan Binh district. I didn't feel so bad for the various reptiles in cages, or the big lazy iguana casually lumbering around openly inside the cafe. I did feel bad for the two live owls that lived there. One of them was chained to a post and stared at me with angry yellow eyes and screeched piercingly every 30 seconds or so. The other one looked like a fluffy Furbie. It wasn't tied to anything, but it also got around by hopping on things, so I think its wings were clipped. The guy working there spoke very little English but he was very sweet and tried to communicate with us through Google translate. I do think he loves the animals, for what its worth. He let Max and I hold a burmese python.

Max looking out the window. 

3. Bitexco Tower, HeliBar.  The Bitexco Tower is the tallest building in Ho Chi Minh City. There is a big lip sticking out on it, where a helicopter could land if only helicopters were allowed to fly over Ho Chi Minh City. There is an observation deck at the 49th floor that costs 200,000, but there is a bar 2 floors above that where you can pay 210,000 for a mojito and have the same view. We opted for the bar. We lurked about until we got a seat near the floor to ceiling windows. The view really was breathtaking and totally worth it. The place was very crowded with tourists of all ages and there was this weird band playing covers of classic rock. I probably will not go back here to hang out, but I am glad that I went.

My Bomb 10 Day Thailand Itinerary

I have been absent for a few weeks because I've had a house guest! My boyfriend, Max, came to visit me. I made it my mission to have him fall in love with Saigon, and I think it worked. Max was here from February 8th to February 28th. On February 13th, we flew out to Thailand.

Neither Max nor I are very experienced at planning trips, but I am very proud of how our trip went. It was perfect, especially for only being 10 days.

Things that made our trip a little more expensive: flying within Thailand (because we had such a short time). We could have taken a bus from Chiang Mai to Krabi, but it looks miserable and takes forever. We also stayed in private rooms the entire time.

Things that made our trip a little cheaper: not going to Bangkok or the Phi Phi islands, booking hostels on the spot instead of online (in Pai especially, you can get rooms for cheaper in person), renting 1 motorbike for 2 people instead of taking cabs. Also, we started from Ho Chi Minh City, so plane tickets were not totally unreasonable. About $300 for all of my not-booked-far-in-advance flights (Ho Chi Minh to Chiang Mai, Chiang Mai to Krabi, Krabi to Ho Chi Minh).

ITINERARY: 

February 13:
Fly from Ho Chi Minh City to Chiang Mai.

We arrived in Chiang Mai around 4:00 pm and got a taxi to our hostel, Deejai Backpacker. Max and I sprung for a private room, which set us back 652 baht/night (or about $18). Our room was basic, but adequate and air conditioned. The lounge area was never over-crowded, but there were always sunburned backpackers huddled around the outlets. Across the street, we had access to the pool and the bar, which were both vaguely bohemian-looking and alright. They had beer and tunes and people to make traveler small-talk with.

February 14: 
Wake up in Chiang Mai.

Today was probably the most anticipated day of our trip because we booked a day of hanging out with elephants over a month in advance. We researched quite a bit to find an ethical elephant sanctuary (no riding, no whips, good conditions) and Elephant Jungle Sanctuary did not disappoint. A full day experience set us back 2,400 baht/each ($68/each), a price which included an hour and a half of transportation to and from our hostel, our hangout time with the elephants, and lunch.

We got to feed the elephants bananas and sugar cane, pelt them with mud for their "mudbath" and then go swimming in a river with them. It legitimately might have been the best day of my life.

February 15: 
Wake up in Chiang Mai.

Van from Chiang Mai to Pai.

We caught a mini bus from Chiang Mai to Pai for about 150 baht ($4.28). (I think it is even cheaper if you go directly to Arcade bus station in Chiang Mai and buy from there. We booked through our hostel). The ride is pretty wind-y, but the roads are wide and I never felt unsafe. It took about 3 hours total, including a short rest stop at the half-way point.

Arrive in Pai.
Pai is a small mountain town in Northern Thailand. The air is clean, and everything is cheap. It's tourist paradise-- in fact, it feels like it was built for tourists alone. There's hostels everywhere, themed bars, and pretty much everything is in English. It felt like I was in a little American mountain town.

Carrot on the Moon breakfast

We stayed at a newish hostel called Carrot on the Moon. Max and I again opted for a private room and bathroom, which set us back 850 baht/night ($24). The hostel was very basic, but the proprietors also ran a bakery, and made elaborate homemade breakfasts every morning. They also let us try their new bread recipes throughout the day. Overall, while Carrot on the Moon cost a bit more than the surrounding hostels, the free food made it worth it. It was also worth it to be a short walk from the main street.

The first night, Max and I walked around Pai on foot. There is one main drag, that turns into a Night Market every evening at 6. There's all kinds of clothing, bags, food, jewelry, and souvenirs, and they are all dangerously cheap. There were lots of tourists walking around dressed in harem pants and hippie fringes everywhere. I got mystery street meat, bunch of bruschetta, and truffles from a street vendor and I didn't even spend $6 US.

February 16: 

Wake up in Pai.

Pai Canyon

Max and I woke up early and went to rent bikes from a great place called Vespai. I guess we got there too late in the morning, because we ended up with the smallest Vespa-style scooter ever. It did manage to get us around though. We checked out Pai Canyon, which ended up being a more rigorous hike than I could have expected and did a little sight-seeing.

Note: We heard that we had to check out the Famous Pai Circus Hostel, and we did. We did not stay there because numerous backpacking groups advised that they were experiencing an epic bed bug problem. I can't speak to that, but I was so excited to go to the Circus School, since Max does contact staff and I love hula hoops. The place had nothing cool to offer, really. There was barely anyone there (sad for a party hostel), but they had some warped hula hoops in a box in the yard. When I asked if they had any contact staves, they had NO IDEA what I was talking about.

February 17: 

Wake up in Pai.

Mae Yen Waterfall

We woke up even earlier to go to Vespai and get a bigger, better bike. We took our new bike out to the mountains to hike up to Mae Yen Waterfall. The trail was meandering, criss-crossing a stream constantly, so I am thankful we wore sandals. There was a 30 minute section of the trail that was extremely steep, but for the most part, anyone could do it.

Hammock chill spot at Valahalla bar.

It took us about 7 hours to do the entire hike, and then we stopped for drinks at a little treehouse bar nearby called Valhalla. Max and I crawled out onto a limb platform and drank mojitos before heading back into town.

February 18: (travel day)

Wake up in Pai.

Get on 7 am bus from Pai to Chiang Mai Airport. This cost us 200 baht each, and took about 3 1/2 hours.

Then, flight from Chiang Mai to Krabi, with a layover in Bangkok.

We got to Krabi at around 9 pm, and took a cab ride for 900 baht to Bananas Bungalows.

February 19-23: (All Krabi) 

This leg of the trip was completely unplanned. I picked Bananas Bungalows on the recommendation of a friend, and I am so glad that I did. We ended up staying there for five days and I have no regrets.

Bananas is about 40 minutes outside of the main town of Krabi. I've heard that Krabi and all the islands are very crowded, but somehow, Bananas does not feel this way. It was tranquil and perfect.

There are more animals at Bananas than people. The owner has: 7 chihuahuas, at least 5 cats, dozens of doves and parakeets, over 10 rabbits, and 6 guinea pigs. The place itself is beautiful.

some of the happy creatures at Bananas Bungalows

It runs on an honor system. If you order food, you write it down in a notebook. You can grab beer, or muffins, or candy any time and write it down in the book. If you rent a bike for the day, you write it in the notebook. It was nice to never carry money with me.

We slept in a private bungalow with yet another private bathroom, which was 500 baht a night. No air conditioning, no hot water, but we did have a mosquito net. We also had a siamese-looking cat for a roommate who would break in through the roof late at night if we decided to lock him out.

Max and I explored all over Krabi. We did a crazy 2 hour steep hike and climbed the 1200+ steps of the Tiger Cave Temple in one day! We rented kayaks (400 baht) and paddled out to an island, and I got stabbed by a sea urchin. We woke up at 4 am to go walk in the water and disturb the bioluminescent plankton.

We flew back to Ho Chi Minh City on the 23rd. I am by no means done with Thailand, but for a trip that was only 10 days long, our itinerary and pacing were pretty perfect.

Monkeys by the steps at Tiger Cave Temple

View from a mountain hike 

Sunset from Melina Whale Bar (near Bananas Bungalows)

Bali Part 2: Beach Life ramble

YE OLDE CHRONOLOGICAL OVERVIEW: 

the lounge area at Bamboo Paradise

After our rapid mad-tour of Ubud, we slowed way, way down to do the beach part of our trip. We started off in Padang Bai, a port town. It was spitting rain the whole way cab ride from Ubud, but it cleared up just after we checked in at Bamboo Paradise hostel and the receptionist brought us fresh tamarind juice. The owner of Bamboo Paradise is this ultra-capable, hip, side-shaved, way-too-young-to-own-a-hotel kind of person. If you're in Padangbai ever, definitely stay there. It's clean, it's cute, the staff is awesome, there's hot water, there's dogs to pet, it's cheap, it's all good.

My feet, and Lauren at Beach Bum Hotel Bar. 

   We were only there a night, before we headed to Gili Trawangan. The fast boat set us back 450,000 rupiah for round trip. The island's really cute in a rustic kind of way. The shops are decked out in bamboo and the sand is so white. The bars have colorful little pillows around low dark-wood tables. The place is adorable, one giant Instagram wet dream for accounts with names like "gypsettravelwanderlust" or "halfnakedveganorthorexicdoesyoga." Unfortunately, the weather was pretty... gray. The main drag was a writhing organism made of drunk Australians with backpacks and aggressive islanders with flyers pushing us to EAT HERE, SLEEP HERE, DRINK HERE SNORKEL HERE. We booked in advance at a place called "Beach Bum HOSTEL." It had a swim-up bar, trippy murals, and cheap Bin Tangs so I was cool with it. We stayed on Gili T for 2 nights, did some boot-leg snorkeling and more than a little bit of drinking.

Gili T is beautiful. This is the far side of the island.

After Gili, we returned to Padang Bai just for the night. The boys and I ate dinner at a place called "Topi Inn" where I devoured greasy fish wrapped in banana leaves and (SHOCK) more Bin Tang. As much as I liked Padangbai, we were out of there by noon the next day headed for Seminyak.

The infinity pool at Potato Head. 

Oh, Seminyak. To be fair to the place, I saw it during the rainy season. It's supposedly stunning during high season. And to also be fair, it is quite a bit more resort-ish than Ubud or Gili T. And by resort-ish I mean expensive. The beaches are about 60% sticky black sand and about 40% garbage. During high tide , there was no place to even walk at all because of unchecked erosion. Lifeguards shoo-ed us out of the water because of the aggressive rip-tides.

With no hope of enjoying a beautiful natural landscape, we took refuge in the beach bars. They are pretty nice. Lauren and I checked out Potato Head Beach Club which was just the right amount of beachy and upscale. Infinity pool overlooking the ocean without having to get an eyeful of the ugly beach, comfortable couches, attentive waitstaff, and pretty upmarket drinks. There was plenty of human eye candy around too, which was nice. I also partied (and by partied I mean played with a hula hoop in the back of the dance floor) at La Favela, which might be the most insane bar I've ever been in. It features the most ornate and photo-worthy bathroom ever. Restaurant by day, club by night, La Favela is all live plants and antiques and stairs to nowhere. It was open until 4 am with people dancing to cheesy tunes you might remember if you attended a high school prom in the 2000s.

La Favela's crazy bathroom. 

Talking about Seminyak, I need to acknowledge the awesome hostel we stayed at, called "Capsule." Lauren and I got a private room, the boys shared another private room. It was the nicest accommodations of the whole trip.

So many small things made it stand out:

1. Outlets everywhere! Outlets with adapters already on them! Outlets by the bed! Outlets in the bathroom. SO MANY OUTLETS!
2. Cheap liquor at the bar. Judging from how sloshed I was, the liquor was real, which is more than I can say for a lot of bars in Bali. Or Vietnam for that matter.
3. The bar served nitrous balloons.
4. They fined people for having sex in the shared dorm rooms, 150,000 Rupiah per person inconvenienced by the aforementioned sex. Nice policy, I think.
5. They had hair dryers and brushes for girls to use in the bathrooms and they WORKED.
6. It was clean! Super clean!

This is a pointless meandering story about a naked person on Gili T and also drugs:

I was, and still am, scared shitless of drugs in Indonesia. Sure, possessing illicit drugs anywhere is a risky, bad idea, but especially in Asia, and ESPECIALLY, ESPECIALLY in Bali. The Indonesian government loves imprisoning foreigners. They love this probably more than Australians love drinking. Some examples: the Bali 9, some Australians caught trafficking heroin, several were put to death. Or Michelle Leslie, an Australian model who got 3 months in Balinese prison for possessing 2 ecstasy pills after a random search. She was facing 15 years, but she converted to Islam to help her case. Or, last October, a 54 year old Australian man was caught with 10.07 grams of hashish in his house. He is facing between 5 years and life in prison! With stakes like that, what is to stop a crooked police officer from using the insane laws to shake you down? Western governments have, over and over again, warned their citizens to be careful while in Bali, and Australia has called citizens who mess around with drugs there "stupid." I'm sure, by the way, that the Indonesian government would love killing Americans too, but we don't have the same vacation time that Australians do to get all the way to Bali and get into all this trouble. 

I imagined that there would be some kind of fear or reserve in the midst of the harsh punishments. This was NOT the case, at least on Gili Trawangan. Hoodied guys on the street repeated "marijuana, cocaine, ecstasy" over and over almost like a religious chant. And, it seemed from some of the manic behavior and giant pupils, a lot of tourists were buying more than drinks. Lots of what the Australian government would call stupid. 

Of all the drugs that were up for grabs on Gili, mushrooms seemed to be the least illegal. I'm actually very confused about whether they actually are legal, because half the bars had "magic mushrooms" ON THEIR MENUS to order. I googled this question, and I am still confused. 

Picture a candy store of psychotropic drugs on an island paradise with little electricity inhabited by a bunch of millenials on holiday, after all the bars have closed. If you're full chemical energy and didn't take anyone home from the bar, theres not much to do besides sit on the beach and look at the water. This is where all the intoxicated leftover party-goers end up, groping the sand, talking bullshit about the universe or why people like durian or Donald Trump (your narrator excluded, obviously, from all illicit or otherwise unsavory activities. Hi Mom! I'm still not dead!)

ANYWHO. There's a whole gaggle of people washed up on the beach. We were there for hours. I was playing with my hula hoop, which attracted more random beach wanderers to our little degenerate camp out. 

When... out of the night appears this skinny white figure. My eyes are pretty bad, and it's pretty dark, but he's stumbling around in sand, kinda walking with his hands over his crotch.

As he gets closer, it clicks. Oh, that's 'cause he's completely completely naked, and he's got that wide-eyed jaw-clenching look that people on something have. Someone yells "hey, what's up?!" and he throws his hands up, showing us his flaccid penis as a response. Great.  

"Have you seen my clothes?" he slurred. No, none of us have seen this guy's clothes. We're all sitting down in our little sand kumbaya circle, and he's standing and swaying around, phallus all a'flapping at eye-level. There's an element of discomfort here for everyone involved. 

"Ok," he goes. And walks off, his ass practically glowing white in the moonlight. We comment, collectively, on how ridiculous this is, but kind of forget about it for a little while.  

But then he comes back, still without a stitch of clothing. And this time he brought a friend! An equally naked girl. She is crouching behind him, trying to completely disappear in his shadow. 

"Have you seen our clothes?" the guy slurs again. 

"No mate," says someone from a country where they use the word 'mate' unironically, "We've been here all night, we never saw your clothes."

"Come on," says the girl, "They were right here! Did someone take them?"  

"No one took your clothes, maybe you left them further down the beach," someone says. 

"Maybe they washed away, the tide came in," someone else says. 

"Can we HAVE some clothes, then?" the guy begs. 

Now, I did feel bad for them, even though I found this situation hilarious. There was nothing I could do though. I was wearing this impractical hooded dress with no bra underneath and shorts. I had absolutely zero clothing material to give these guys. No one else helped them out either. Sucks to suck, I guess. They were both pretty upset, looking about frantically on the empty beach for their clothes that were definitely not there. I didn't see them again as they walked off toward the more hostel-y side of the island. 

So maybe the best part of this story isn't actually what happened, but what I imagine happened. Which is this: 

I figure that these two are a previously existing couple, or at least traveling companions. Otherwise, that girl would have been long gone from the random guy she found in the bar. I know I sure as shit would have just booked it as fast as I could back to my hostel. Or maybe I misjudge naked people on mushrooms. Which is another assumption I make. I am assuming they were on a bit of mushrooms. I picture them being a bit further up the beach from our group. They lay their clothes down on the sand, perhaps a bit too close to the lapping water. Maybe they have sex on the beach, but I doubt it. I think they probably just went skinny dipping. The water did seem inviting and the waves seemed mild. But they weren't, really. So they go skinny dipping, they're tripping and a little drunk and they don't notice that they're getting slowly pulled down the beach. Away from their clothes, and toward our after-after party. I'm picturing the conversation: 

"Oh shit," she goes, looking at the shoreline which is pitching and swaying in her psilocibin-soaked brain, "when did all those people get here." 

"They better not have stole our clothes," he replies. "I'll go check. Stay here." 

Imagine the panic of being on mushrooms or god knows what else in the dark on the beach, naked, and at least a little far away from the safety of ones' hostel. In Gili, which is technically Lombok (not Bali), which is this super conservative Muslim country where everyone covers up way more than say... the Jersey Shore. Worse still, even the closest hostels to this part of the beach were at least a quarter of a mile away. 

I like to imagine that they lost their rented bikes and that they had to walk of shame back to their hostel on the other side of the island as the sun rose. Past all the drug dealers, the worshippers headed to the mosque, and the market. But I'm not a monster, I also hope that they made it back safely and laughed about it all the next morning over complimentary banana pancakes. And now I like to imagine that they are home in Australia, where I am assuming they are from, and this is but a footnote in a long and debaucherous adventure.